5 red flags that someone is emotionally immature that I wish I knew sooner

By Allie Jayne Reed, MS, LMHC, NCC

It wasn't until I became a therapist that I got really skilled at noticing the red flags of emotional immaturity. Luckily, it doesn't take being a therapist to be able to spot them.

Emotional immaturity is when an adult does not regulate their emotions in an age-appropriate way. Because of this, they also are often incapable of emotional intimacy, which is required for relationships. Without emotional intimacy, you can't have a relationship with someone - you can only relate to them the same way you relate to a stranger or colleague. Knowing the signs of emotional immaturity can help save you time, energy & suffering so you can form realistic expectations sooner rather than later about what sort of relationship you'll be able to have with someone & how trustworthy they are.

Here are the warning signs I wish I knew sooner that someone is emotionally immature:

#1 - They make everything about them (or can't seem to let you be the center of attention)

You could have won the Nobel Prize. Been hit by a bus. Married the love of your life. And they will still find a way to make it about them.

This is different than someone trying to relate to you by sharing personal experiences when you're talking to them about something. Yes, that can be annoying, but it's also solvable & an emotionally mature person would be open to responding differently if you're needing something different from them.

But an emotionally immature person can't hold space for you & therefore can't let it be about you for too long. You'll win the prize, they'll say 'congrats!' and move on pretty quickly without truly celebrating you. You'll get injured & they'll cry about how hard it is for them to see it, or aggressively become your caretaker instead of attuning to you & reading the damn room. They'll go to your wedding & whine that you're not giving them enough attention or doing what THEY want.

#2 - You realize they don't really know much about you or truly see you

An emotionally immature person will make sure that you know as much random stuff about them as possible, but won't know the basics about you. Or, maybe neither of y'all know much about each other, and when you try to learn more about them & invite them to know more about you, you get very little.

You'd love for them to know about how much you love the ocean, how much animals mean to you, who you really are. But they aren't able to learn this info & actually remember it. They may, however, rant & rave about the things they love & who they are. Or on the flip side, they may try to block conversations where y'all might get to know more about each other.

#3 - They avoid accountability

Emotionally mature people are comfortable enough to experience the vulnerability of being accountable & feeling a very important emotion: guilt. An emotionally immature person will either avoid this altogether, or, their expressions of 'remorse' will feel surface-level, almost like a formality just to get through the conversation. So maybe you'll get a 'sorry' out of them, but that's where it ends. Or, they'll spend excessive amounts of time talking about 'why' they did what they did or are how they are, which might be inappropriate depending on context anyway. Regardless, the causes don't absolve them, but they're hoping you'll have sympathy & stop asking them to be accountable.

If an emotionally mature person feels guilty & takes accountability, they'll not only apologize! They'll also make a repair & then attempt to correct or overcorrect the harm they caused. If they describe 'why' they did what they did, they move on to resolution shortly after.

#4 - They struggle with boundaries

Boundaries are essential for healthy, emotionally intimate connections. An emotionally immature person will struggle with overstepping boundaries, becoming agitated when you embody boundaries & make requests of them, or be extremely rigid with boundaries to the point that you feel like you can't even get close to connecting with them.

The themes here are often enmeshment or distance. These are red flags because both of these ends of the spectrum indicate emotional immaturity & fears of emotional intimacy. Without emotional intimacy, there is no relationship.

Maybe if you try to go to the bathroom in your house, that's when they start calling for you & try to have a conversation, or even straight up open the bathroom door on you. Maybe they talk with others about your personal information. Maybe they give lots of unsolicited, invalidating advice when you didn't ask. This can show up in a wide variety of forms!

#5 - They flat out don't respect you

Not to hit you with a 'should' statement, but you SHOULD feel respected by the people in your life. I want to make an entire separate blog about this. Emotionally immature people tend to lack respect for themselves, others, and the world around them. Do you feel disrespected by someone in your life? They might lack emotional maturity that is needed to form a relationship with them.

Disrespect can look like interrupting you when you talk, not trusting you or your judgment, speaking aggressively towards you, not apologizing, making decisions that involve you without your input, being late, manipulating & lying to you, trying to control you & your decisions, talking about you behind your back, and disregarding your feelings.

If you start noticing these signs with people in your life, then consider stepping back, detaching a bit to observe their behavior & how you feel, and setting realistic expectations & boundaries for how you're going to relate to them. Identify what behaviors you are & are not available for going forward.

If you are an adult child of emotionally immature parents, consider participating in therapy with a licensed provider in your state.

If you're a WA resident, check out my website & get in touch if you are interested in starting therapy! alliejaynereedcounseling.com