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Opinion: The #1 Most Important DBT Skill to Practice Everyday - Nonjudgmental Stance

Writer's picture: Allie JayneAllie Jayne

By Allie Jayne Reed, MS, LMHC, NCC

Seattle DBT-PE Therapist, Anxiety Specialist, & Trauma-Informed Coach


Below I will take you through the most important Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skill (in my opinion), explaining what it is, why it's important, and how to practice it.


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DBT has so many skills. The DBT skills workbook has over 400 pages worth of them! But if I had to narrow it down to select just one skill to recommend people start practicing OFTEN, it'd be from the mindfulness module.


So here's my #1 top DBT skill recommendation...


Non-Judgmental Stance!


Non-judgmental stance is a mindfulness skill. Mindfulness skills are all about reducing suffering & increasing happiness. Mindfulness asks you to be intentionally present in the moment with awareness, without judgment, and without ignoring the present moment by clinging to the past or thinking about the future. In DBT, we have skills for 'what' to do when practicing mindfulness & skills for 'how' to do them. Nonjudgmentalness is one of the skills for 'how' to practice mindfulness. In order to be mindful & present and thus improve our capacity to regulate our thoughts, emotions, and experience reality as it is, we have to adopt a non-judgmental stance.

Why Practice Non-Judgmental Stance?

  • For starters, judgments can negatively impact emotions. Judging people or things around us as 'good' or 'bad' can impact our emotional reactions to the people or things we're judging. Since judgments aren't facts, we often don't realize that WE are the creators of our judgments, and thus the creators of our emotional dysregulation.



  • Judgments can damage relationships. If we're judging others negatively, then it can create conflict with the people we love & may otherwise have very happy bonds to. If we judge others, it usually doesn't inspire them to change (at least, not for long). It usually leads to the people we're judging wanting to avoid us or retaliate.



  • Nonjudgmentalness is a fundamental mindfulness skill, not just in DBT, but in all mindfulness-based treatments as well as in spiritual traditions of mindfulness.



Working to change the causes is more effective than judging, because everything that has ever happened has been caused. What does judging the things we don't like do, besides dysregulate us? Saying things 'should' be different isn't effective & doesn't change reality. For example, if we want the cat to use her litterbox instead of peeing on the couch, we have to cause a new behavior by problem solving (I'd recommend Jackson Galaxy & COMMITMENT).


"A day spent judging another is a painful day. A day spent judging yourself is a painful day."- Buddha

How to Practice Non-Judgmental Stance


  1. Let go of 'good' & 'bad'. Describe reality as 'what it is'. Stop evaluating people or situations as right or wrong.



  2. Replace judgments with descriptions of 'what is'. For example, instead of saying 'is the weather bad?' say 'what's the temperature like?'. Or instead of saying 'does your job suck?' try to be more specific, like 'are your hours long?' or 'do you feel supported at your job?'



  3. Try to reduce how often you say 'should' statements! This helps to let go of defining how the world 'should' be, let go of demands on reality to be what we want just because we want it to be that way. Nonjudgmentalness is about no longer saying & thinking that things should be different than what they are in reality, including ourselves!



  4. Replace 'should' with descriptions of feelings or wishes. This way we're acknowledging 'this is caused' with acceptance of reality, rather than fighting or rejecting reality, which would not be mindful. For example, you might say 'I wish I felt differently' or instead of saying 'you shouldn't have said that to me' you might say 'it was painful to hear you say that you hated my recommendation'.


"Be curious, not judgmental"- Walt Whitman


What Non-Judgmental Stance Is & Isn't...


It is important to note that nonjudgmental stance does NOT mean approval, denying consequences, or keeping quiet about preferences or desires. If we do not like something & we're practicing nonjugdmentalness, this means we're working to understand or change the causes, because this is more effective than judging. A person who stops judging can still observe, communicate, and predict consequences. Asking for change is not judgmental. Describing what needs to happen in order for another thing to occur is not judgmental.


Also, values & emotional responses are not inherently judgmental. It is not judgmental to communicate when you don't like something or describe how you feel about something. Statements of facts are not judgmental, but judgments sometimes do go along with statements of fact.



My Final Note on Non-Judgmental Stance


Non-judgmental stance is a complex skill. I, in no way, could do it justice in one blog post. If you're still not sold on why this skill is important, think about the judgmental people in your life. Maybe imagine someone who's judged you. Do these people seem truly happy & fulfilled? At peace? Are they enjoyable to be around? Are they able to experience reality as it is? Are they emotionally present? The answer is probably no.


The fact is that judgmentalness reduces our quality of life. It worsens our mental health symptoms. It makes us unhappy & disconnected. It's unhelpful. Consider weighing the pros & cons of being judgmental vs being nonjudgmental.




If you're ready to work with a practitioner who can help you learn the skills to reduce suffering & stress, and increase joy & happiness, check out my website to learn more about my offerings & services: alliejaynereedcounseling.com



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