Because that's how I'm feeling right now & I'll tell you exactly what I'm doing about it, because I'm an expert or something.
By Allie Jayne Reed, LMHC, NCC
I'm currently participating in an amazing business mentorship that has inspired me to start a blog. The problem is I sat here for, like, 30 min. thinking way too hard about ideas for what to write about. As I got up to just pet my cat because she's so perfect, I became aware of my mood. I observed that 'blah' feeling you get when you just don't wanna do anything & you kinda feel like crap. Luckily, I know what to do to manage these feelings & it dawned on me that I should tell you too.
So here's what I suggest when the moody blues start to hit & you wanna feel a little better:
Tip #1 - Notice how you feel, describe it out loud to yourself, and do not judge it.
I repeat: DO NOT JUDGE HOW YOU FEEL. That means, try not to judge the feelings as good or bad, right or wrong. By all means, have your opinion about it. Replace 'I should feel differently' with 'I don't like this feeling, I wish I felt different'.
Try observing the sensations in your body, name & describe how/what you feel. If you catch yourself judging, don't judge your judging! Gently try to shift back into noticing & describing without judgment.
Describing how you feel can be hard, so I'll give an example that I must admit, is not my best work (oops, ignore that judgment). Here was my attempt at the practice & while not pretty, it was still effective: "Oof. I feel down. I don't feel like doing anything, my eyes are heavy & sleepy. Idk what I feel, maybe emotionless or numb... indifferent & overwhelmed? Is that a thing? My legs feel kinda tense & my back hurts."
Tip #2 - Radically accept how you feel
You know how you were a kid who needed acceptance from the adults in your life? Well, I work with adult children of emotionally immature parents, and acceptance wasn't common for these folks. If your parents didn't accept you, you might struggle to accept yourself. If your parents wanted you to stop feeling a type of way rather than accept how you feel as the reality & soothe you, then you might struggle to accept how you feel without judgment & self-soothe effectively.
So I implore you to observe how you feel & take a second to fully accept it. There's nothing wrong with you or your feelings, even when they're uncomfortable or unwanted. Besides, we can't change how we feel if we don't accept how we feel first. Maybe engage in soothing self-talk, like saying to yourself, "It's okay to feel down. I can tolerate this feeling & take good care of myself". Try turning your palms so they are open & facing outward, adopt a willing posture & a Mona Lisa-esque smile while observing how you feel.
"Radical acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves & our lives as it is" – Tara Brach
Tip #3 - Self-soothe (with the 5 senses)
When I noticed these feelings, besides blogging about it, I took a minute to pet my cat & snuggle with her. This engaged the sense of touch & who knows, probably released a whole bunch of dopamine or something. Then, I took a nice warm shower. I love warm water & find it very relaxing, so naturally, this is a very soothing activity for me.
Self-soothing is an effective distress tolerance skill. In other words, it's helpful when there's no problem to solve, or we can't change a problem, and we can't change how we feel. All we can really do is tolerate how we feel, tolerate the moment.
When self-soothing, it's important to engage the senses. I recommend going through your senses like a checklist & trying a variation of strategies for each. Sight? Look at images you find pleasant, pretty, soothing, etc. Sound? Listen to calming music or an artist you really like. Smell? Use essential oils or coffee to waft. Taste? Have a piece of chocolate or warm tea. Touch? Snuggle a cat & take a warm shower, obviously! (Just kidding, adapt all of these for your unique preferences)
Tip #4 - Act opposite to your action urges
This one is important. When we feel down, there's usually action urges that arise. For example, I observed my urges to turn on Love Island, lay on the couch, and avoid doing things that might be more effective for my mood or my goals even (right now I have a goal to reduce screens & increase mindfulness, it's a whole thing).
So notice, what is your urge when feeling unmotivated & down? Is it to isolate? Avoid? Check out? Do the opposite. Go outside & take a walk. Do a meditation. Complete a chore. Get active!! Do something for yourself or someone you love! Do something MINDFULLY.
The best opposite action behaviors usually entail getting your heart rate up, doing something that increases pleasant feelings, moves you in the direction of your values or Life Worth Living goals, or builds a sense of accomplishment or mastery. But be aware of your action urges & assess how effective they are, and choose your actions wisely.
Tip #5 - Phone a friend
This kind of piggy-backs off the last tip, especially if your urge is to isolate/withdraw. Personally, I plan on telling my husband something like 'I noticed my mood really dip today. I know we planned on staying in & chilling tonight, but do you think we could find something enjoyable to do out of the house instead?' See, I'm requesting for support in opposite action because I know that staying in is likely to reinforce my down mood & if I can find something that actually sounds kind of nice to go do together, it might change my mood a bit or at least be good for me in the long-run even if it doesn't have a huge impact in the short-term. Now, when considering options, it's important to focus on what might be enjoyable & not what won't be. Sometimes when we're feeling down, we'll shoot down ideas without offering solutions. Don't do this!
If you're not leaning on a spouse for support, think of anyone you can call whether it's to make a spontaneous plan or just to chat. If all those efforts are failing, you might walk to your local grocery store, pick up a treat (for self soothing perhaps), and make eye contact with the store employees & connect with them by engaging in sincere small talk. Sometimes, when I'm really not up for human activity but still wanna blend mindfulness, connection & pleasant experiences, I simply go outside, feed peanuts to crows & hang out with them for a bit (the pack I didn't know I needed).
The key here is connection. We're pack animals. Do something to remind yourself that you're connected to the world around you & part of a community.
So there you have it, my expert skill sequence for when your mood takes an uncomfortable dip & you know withdrawing isn't wise.
Observe & describe how you feel without judgment. Radically accept how you feel. Self-soothe with your 5 senses. Act opposite to your action urges. Phone a friend / engage in pack-animal behaviors by engaging with others / the world around you.
Looking for a therapist who specializes in helping anxious adult children of emotionally immature parents? I'm your girl! Head over to my website to check out my offerings & services: www.alliejaynereedcounseling.com
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